This is me...

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 06:40:39 GMT

I find it hilarious that after weeks and weeks of not updating, I decided to write the day after I consumed another half bottle of vodka the night before. I might just have a drinking problem developing. And ever since that thought I lost all of what I had actually come here to say. So I quit.

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 21:24:43 GMT

I'M COMING HOME!!!!!!!!! I'm fucking glowing right now, you should see me. And, last night was wild. It's hard to remember a whole lot after half a bottle of vodka, but what I do...let's just say it was intense...and dirty. Hahaaaa, yes. My new roommate seems really cool. I'll like her more than Allyce. I'm gonna go glow. See you all soon.

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 02:23:06 GMT

This tattoo is fairly uncomfortable. Not painful, just annoying. If he didn't tell me not to, I'd be running away my frustration right now. I don't understand my Italian, pretty sure I won't do very well in the class. Don't like my class on emotions or whatever it is, so I'll probably slack in there. I have to go to the other side of campus and print off multiple packets of readings each week. It's 10 cents a copy. That'll add up over time. Why the hell isn't the professor using his budget to print the shit off for us. We've already got two books we had to buy for the class, too. I can't help but being annoyed by the situation. All this resulting in another crappy grade. But then...do I really care? Nope. I think to myself I should really care, I know I should, but I knew coming back this semester when I didn't want to would just end up being shitty academically and emotionally. I'm almost dreading meeting my new roommate. Once this mood passes, I'll realize that she might be really nice, but being in a bad mood, facebook helped me determine that she looks really into herself, and she works at Hooters and Abercrombie & Fitch. These things alone makes me think it might not be that great of a match. I'll let you know when I figure it out. I have a horrible feeling that I'm not gonna be able to come home for that long weekend, which is almost exactly a week away right now. The single event I've been looking forward to since I got back here. This obviously is the biggest reason for the shitty mood I'm in. The girl still hasn't sent anything back, but she hasn't said she changed her mind either. I hope she doesn't just fucking ignore me forever. How hard would it be for her tell me in message form that she can't take me back with her anymore. Hanging here is shitty.

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 17:21:24 GMT

I got my tattoo! It's nothing short of spectacular. Allyce moved out Tuesday night right after I got back from getting it, and since then it's been nice having the room all to myself. But my privacy will be gone again. A girl named Ingrid is moving in either sometime this week or weekend. And I don't know if I'm coming home anymore. The girl hasn't responded in a while, but she seemed so cool with it earlier. I'm getting really paranoid. My hopes are sooooooo beyond up. I need to spend the weekend before Valentine's Day with all my lovers. And I also need to do some shit before class. Adios.

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 22:36:10 GMT

My roommate Allyce came into our room last night and said really seriously "I have something I need to talk to you about." I started thinking, what the hell...we don't even talk to each other enough to have something serious to discuss. To make a long story short, she's pretty sure she's moving out. She just wanted to make it clear it wasn't because of me. Her friend's roomie went psycho so she wants to move in with her, and I'm not gonna stop her. I might actually have a chance at seeing the floor in here in a week or so. I haven't had any problems with her saying stupid shit this semester, so I don't necessarily want her to move, but we're not close friends or anything, so I'm not opposed to it. I'm not sure if I'll get a new person or not, I don't really care. I'm not opposed to that either. If I don't though...I need to do some serious rearranging. The majority of this room is her shit. A standing lamp, the couch, fridge, tv, everything scattered on the floor, a plastic stand of drawers, a lot of stuff. She might be leaving this rug she bought for five bucks from Target but thinks is really ugly. So hey, I may be the proud new owner of an ugly rug. It's not that bad. I don't know how this will all work out. Other news. I think I'm gonna be home from the night of the 9th to sometime the 13th. Longer weekend than normal. I don't know how all that'll work out either. I really don't know anything.

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 18:42:44 GMT

The 31st of this month at 4:00 I have a very special date with Poohki. That's right! You heard me. And hopefully the 10th of next month I'll be home!! I'm so excited for both, it's ridiculous. If one or the other fails, I won't be very happy because I've had my hopes up for a while already. Well, this was certainly thrilling, have a good day.

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 03:31:52 GMT

I cannot stand her anymore. I might just kill her in her sleep...

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 01:34:56 GMT

Here's a bunch of random information that belongs in one of those surveys, but I decided to put it in sentences instead...and be much more random in order.

I currently reside in Minneapolis for another 3 days. Then I'm going home to Green Bay for what could be the best month of my life. My biggest weakness is Calc 1271. After I find out I've officially failed this class, I can find a new weakness to dwell on. My favorite piece of clothing is my gray Aero sweatshirt. I'm afraid of dying alone without getting the chance to say goodbye to the people I love...and unstable heights sometimes. Despite that fear, a short-term goal I've recently made for myself is going on the sky coaster with Matt and maybe Corey over spring break or next summer. I wanted to go bungee jumping, but the place we'd go to only lets you jump one at a time, and like I said, I don't wanna die alone, so I'm taking others with me. I like giving people presents. Later in life, I want to end up happy, most likely married with some kids, and have a big part in designing my own house. The only physical feature I always like at any given moment on myself are my gorgeous blue eyes and killer lashes. My birthday is August 13th, 1987. My skin is my worst enemy. If I had clear skin I would have twice the confidence I do now. I love being able to look at someone and not have to ask what they're thinking because I can read their eyes. If you don't know my favorite color you must be mentally retarded, it's blue. My perfect pizza consists of black olives, fresh mushrooms, pepperoni, and real mozzarella. I've been in love and had my heart broken. I disagree with the idea that it only makes you stronger. Yet I'm taking a chance and throwing myself back into that cycle. While it lasts, it makes a lot of the bad good and everything good even better. I always wanted to have a rope swing with a wooden seat hanging from a willow tree as a kid. Never got it. I think the last Christmas I spent with my uncle is my most missed memory. Since then my family has unraveled. I have a strong pulse near my belly button. Some days you can see it move by just looking at it. I was once hit below my left eye with a baseball bat, above my right eye with a 9 iron, and tore the ligaments in my right ankle. Those three are all tied for worst injuries. I use Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner because I like the way it smells. I enjoy sad music. My favorite song from probably second to seventh grade was "Tears in Heaven" by Clapton. I'm pro-choice abortion, anti-war. My favorite flowers are orange roses, and if you could find blue daisies like in my little picture, I'd like those alot, too. Some day I want to see Australia. I'm right handed. My thumb on that hand is significantly larger than my left from playing sax. I love almost all vegetables, except for crunchy onions and peppers. Although ridiculously cliche, I think being kissed under mistletoe and into the new year is nice. I also want to be kissed in the pouring rain like in the movies. I'm an atheist. I like my left foot more than my right. Even though I'm still having a nice life, I regret being such a bitch to Tom. I have never dyed or highlighted my hair. I love waking up near the ocean to cool air with a salty smell. I used to want to run away because my parents made me so depressed. Of course being logical, I never actually acted on that. I enjoy the fall, but I also like it right after it snows when everything is untouched and sparkling. That usually lasts for about 5 minutes, so I like the fall more. I had a really good mint hot chocolate from a coffee shop down the street today. The last time I cried was this past Monday before I called Kyle. I treasure honesty. I have little to no respect for my grandpa. I treat my bird like my child. My favorite place to be in my house is in my little cave formed by my bunk beds. I like when people play with my hair, might be a girl thing. Nothing relieves stress better than walking in the rain. I love sunsets. I follow the five second rule, in fact, it could be a five minute rule. I pick the food up, look for suspicious things- if it's clear, it's perfectly edible. I hate the idea of living a life for someone that didn't make the best of theirs. I hang out with guys all the time, it's much more relaxing. I used to only be called MacKenzie, now some call me Kenzie, and others call me MacK. The last hug I got was from Matt before I came back to Minnesota. I fucking hate those clearish spiders. They freak me out, so I kill them. When I was little I used to lie about really stupid things, like what I did that day, for no reason. I'm pretty good at making paper snowflakes. I haven't been in gymnastics for years, but I can still do the splits and backbends no problem. Pictures really are worth a thousand words. They keep memories from fading. I work at my favorite place to eat. Since I've been at college I brush my teeth at least three times a day, I think it has something to do with the water. I've been drunk and high, each at their own times. I don't regret either of those actions, but I don't encourage either of them, either. At this very minute, I feel lonely, and I'm starting to question the things I thought I was sure of. Specifically what's going on with me and Matt. I have taken Spanish, German, and Italian but can only speak English. I like hanging out in small groups much more than large ones. Some day I want a great dane. I don't have any explanation for it, but I seem to be a lot more comfortable and laid back than I used to be. I questioned the reality of Santa from a young age, but found out for sure when the receipt for everything I got was in my mom's purse. I wasn't hugged as a child. I don't mind anymore.

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 20:59:48 GMT

I don't want alot for Christmas...there's just one thing I ne-e-e-eeed, I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree-ee. I just wanna...

It's in my head. I wanted to update, but there's not all that much I feel like typing out. Exams are coming up. I don't know if it's wise or not, but I'm not stressing about them at all. I'll fail math, I'll do fine in the others. Just the way it's gonna go. I'm soooooooo ready to be home, which is in just more than a week. How fucking incredible does that feel? You wouldn't know, but I do. I might explode with happiness before I even make it back. You guys can fight over who gets what limb...call it an early Christmas present.

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 04:47:18 GMT

Today...I've done nothing but draw. Well, let's start at the beginning. First off, I woke up this morning and went to my Calc discussion to find that I earned a mighty 48 on my last midterm. I really doubt there's a way for me to pass now. I think I'm gonna write my jackass of a TA an email and ask him if it's even worth coming at fuckin' 8 in the morning. That class has the incredible ability of destroying my life. Anyway, then I started to draw...and draw...and draw...drew pretty much straight through my Italian class cause I decided today and Italian just didn't belong together...just kept drawing. I like the drawings I kept though. They don't follow the guidelines, but I think I'm gonna turn them in anyway. I still need to finish one of this staircase, pretty hard.

On to the me and schooling. The question on everyone's mind...what the hell is she doing with her life? I've made up my mind, I want to go home. Not because I'm not enjoying it here, because I've had the most incredible times ever, I just want to continue in a direction I feel I'm more likely to stick with. I signed up for classes yesterday in case I should stay. The thing is...I went down to the hall office the other day to get a housing contract release form, just to see what involves. Well, I can't be signed up for any classes to get out of the contract, so by this Friday I have to cancel the classes I just registered for. Tomorrow night I need to call home and ask if I'll have a place to live or if I need to start looking. If they really throw a fit, I might be staying afterall. I'm completely unsure of how much they really influence me lately. Alot, I think, now that we get along.

I'm worried about Heather. Whenever something bad happens she freaks out, always has, but the past couple weeks she's not happy. In all the pictures from her in college she's smiling and having a dandy time, but then when you actually talk to her she doesn't have anything happier than a neutral to mention. I understand that Sunny being put down is a big deal, I let some tears roll down my cheek when I put him away. It sucks alot. But she's got herself all worked up over a guy, too. I don't know, just seems like she's bordering on excessive unhappiness. Like actual depression.

It snowed here last night, so today it was a winter wonderland...except then it turned to the most disgusting black muck I've ever seen. The streets here aren't exactly clean. But, what remained white was really refreshing. Just means it's even closer to winter break. It'll be so incredibly good. At that point I'll have already made up the college choices, it'll be good for me and Matt, friends, work, etc. etc. etc. And! I'll get to give people presents. Including Anthony Kennedy...which will accept it/them. You're getting one/some, don't fight it. I'll keep it all cheap and meaningless so you don't get mad.

This is getting kind of long. Goodbye everyone.

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 05:30:26 GMT

Three entries in one day. I know it's absurd, but...someone just killed themselves. In my hall. One floor down. I don't know if that creeps you out, but it creeps me out. I keep getting goosebumps everytime I think about it.

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 02:46:34 GMT

another short update. i miss kyle. probably more than words can express, yet i never talk to him anymore. and i don't know if he misses me as much, like i said, we don't talk much. i left him a message yesterday and he texted me back saying he'd call sometime today, but he hasn't yet. got my hopes up. we've both probably changed a bit over the past couple months, and i hope he'll be accepting of the new me, if i've changed enough to call myself a different being. i've pulled some stupid shit while being over here that i know he won't approve of, but i'd like to think i'm still relatively similar to what i was before i left. i don't know. we'll see how it goes over thanksgiving.

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 01:00:30 GMT

The bump is gone, just to keep you guys informed. Right now I'm working on consuming an entire package of fruit breezers. It brings back memories of that one night a bunch of the old group was in Kyle's room and Andy ate a bunch of them. Then he bumped a touch lamp and it turned on, and he said something about how he was like god. And we all laughed hysterically. Good people, good night. I have another midterm on Tuesday, so I'm also reading my Calc book in desperate attempt to understand. I will probably fail this class. It's just not getting any better and the more I try to focus on improving that class, the more I hurt the others. But despite that sucking, I'll be home in less than a week. Get ready.

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 18:34:35 GMT

Everyone know that permanent bump on my forehead from the tragic bike accident in elementary school? Well, last night, half-way through the motion of picking up a hackey sack from underneath a chair, I hit that same bump on the corner of the damn chair...really hard. The new bump is still there today. God, I'm sexy.

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 05:55:52 GMT

Alright. Sometime within the next three weeks I have to make the final decision on my future, because putting it off any longer is stupid....and the decision is: to stay here, or to go with the current way I'm leaning which is to go home, pay off the loans I owe for this semester, work for about a semester's worth of time to make enough money to stay out of debt, and then go to BlueSky for massage therapy. It's faster schooling, less money overall, something I actually have an interest in, it's a lot of things. More than me typing out could really express. I still remember the days when I had my entire life planned out, what the hell happened to me. Despite a lot of people telling me I'm insane, it's my decision and my life, so I can't let others talk me into going one way or the other. It might result in me having a happy life sometime in the future, and right now that's all I want so I have to think about it. Or, it might result in another dead end leaving me even more lost. If I'm gonna go for it, I need to take the chance when I'm young. So if I can get the balls to do it...I will. All I know is that I'm stressing more than I have ever stressed in my life. I can't really sleep, can't really have a conversation without bringing the subject up. And most of all I can't wait until the end of each week when I smoke/drink it all away. It's spiraling out of control basically...not the drug use, the stress. But rightfully so, it's the biggest decision I've ever had to make. I'll be making my final decision over Thanksgiving break hopefully. Talk to family some more, and my uncle's wife who's a masseuse. Get some more info on the profession from someone who's in it. I don't even know how to spell that...anyway, get my bird, drive the car, get a huge hug from Matt, hopefully see other friends, the list of things to do is quite long. But I'm looking forward to it. Once I make up my mind, things will be damn good. The end.

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 05:17:13 GMT

I couldn't possibly be any happier. I love it.

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 03:31:05 GMT

I think everyone's probably stopped checking this site since I never update anymore, but for those of you who are still loyal followers, here's an update for you.

First off, here's my address since I haven't given anyone it:
MacKenzie Patton
348 Frontier Hall
701 Fulton St SE
University of Minnesota
Minneapolis, MN 55455

I've been at college for almost a month now, and I'd have to say it's exactly what I expected. Nothing more, nothing less. I decided to spend tonight in the dorm, so this is the first time I've ever been in my dorm at this time on a weekend, or most weekdays for that matter. I'm pretty relaxed compared to the people who had parents breathing down their backs since as long as they can remember. I had rules and shit, but I'm used to being on my own, I would imagine Heather's the same way, so I didn't experience that rush of freedom that everyone else is still thriving on. But I've definitely had my fun, lots and lots of fun.

As for actual classes. I like Italian as a language, I'm catching on. I'm not a huge fan of my teacher though. She speaks Italian about 80% of the time, and considering we're in beginning Italian, that makes it kind of challenging. She's got the tendency to pick on people in what seems to be an intentionally hurtful manner. My calculus class sucks ass. In fact, I just recently got a 29/50 on my first midterm in there, so I really need to start teaching myself because between the Russian professor who cracks lame jokes and the TA that doesn't even cover the same material, I'm not learning what I need to. The history of rock class is alright, but it's not as easy as I expected it to be. There's daily quizzes, but it's not just obvious questions. It's like knowing exact dates of when certain no-name musicians lived, and there's regular papers, too. But, cool. That's pretty much my only link to music right now. And finally my architecture class-I don't think I could love an actual class any more. Both the professor and the TA are incredible. The class isn't even focusing on anything architecturally speaking, but it's forcing me to draw things I haven't...so I'm actually putting my artistic side to work. I'm completely under-qualified for the class as far as my ability level, but I'm fine with it. I enjoy being there.

I wish I knew what I really wanted to do. I still think the idea of architecture is good, and I might enjoy it, but once I'm out of school it's gonna be a bitch to do anything with that degree. There's just not enough open in that field. Makes me wonder if I made the right choice coming here.

It's a really good college and I get along with my roommate so life isn't bad. I'm doing good as far as being homesick goes too. Generally I'm at a good balance of appreciating the friends I've made here and remembering the people at home, but then there's those times where I wish for the old friends more than anything in the world. When I can actually feel a pain in my chest from missing people so badly. I miss Kyle tons and tons. We go in streaks of treating each other like shit, but I haven't ever found a person and probably won't find a more perfect friend for me. My bird! Think I'm nuts, I don't care. He's like my child. I miss Anthony's laughs, Matt's smirks, everything about him in fact, it sucks that I left that behind, then there's Juan's harassment. Of course there's others, I'm just saying I appreciate little things more now that I've left them, I knew I would. I'm gonna try to make it home sometime this month cause I won't be able to last until Thanksgiving.

Ok, well my updates aren't ever good, so this is no exception, but at least you heard from me. My portfolio for Arch is due soon and I need to start and finish multiple drawings before then, so tonight I'm gonna start some of those. I have an Italian test and a bunch to read for Rock, too, so I'm gonna use my energy to be productive since the gym is already closed. By the way, I'm seriously considering a tattoo or piercing, but I need help deciding what would look good, or if nothing would. Give me any suggestions you have.

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 20:36:51 GMT

I figured I shouldn't be a nigger. So, here's an update for if no one else, Anthony. My mail for college is patt0267@umn.edu so for anyone that wants to get mail from me, send me something so I'll have your address in there. As far as this updating goes, I don't do it much anymore. This summer with my job and the occasional social gathering, the computer's not of interest to me. I'll keep in touch with emails and phone calls, but I doubt I'm gonna be telling my life through here. So, send me mail. I'm going out.

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 05:55:26 GMT

The night didn't end so bad. Came back online and ended up talking to a bunch of people. One being Sam, who I normally don't talk to at all anymore. So that's two old people I've reunited with. I'm talking to him as we speak, and I still love the kid to death. He's made my night, didn't take much I guess. But I'm going to bed soon. I work tomorrow during the day at West Walmart. Weird.

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 03:40:26 GMT

Right now, I'm back to doing nothing and it might actually be driving me to insanity. I've become used to working, or being out on a regular basis. Most of the time I don't end up doing anything that extraordinary but it's not just sitting here. Hell, I've resorted to the computer, not a common thing anymore.

I think my relationship with my dad is becoming like....decent...I don't even wanna say it in order not to ruin it, but it's been almost perfect. Not like I tell him about my life, but I haven't had anything to argue about with him in weeks. But, mom, that's going farther downhill. She thinks I'm a bad child once again and I've been doing basically everything I can to prove her wrong in order to gain some freedom. Like that fuckin twelve curfew. I'm not out driving drunk and I'm not getting myself knocked up, I really don't get what she thinks I have to be in at twelve for if I'm just out having a good time. It seems like Heather agrees with her too. I have to fit this perfect image to get along with either of them. And my mom wants me to watch out for her. I finally have a circle of friends I can claim as my own and not have the twin associated automatically. That's something I've been working at for forever now. On the way to Appleton the other night: "You need to bring Heather along to things you do, and be nicer to her." Ummm, no, I don't. Their not her friends, I don't think she'd like them anyway. And why does she assume Heather wants to be dragged along. She's perfectly capable of finding her own things to do. One reason I'm not trusted, oooh, I hang out with Nick. Yea, he's turning 23 on Monday, but being 23 doesn't suddenly make you a bad person. He's a good guy, I actually really like hanging out with him. He's really weird, but somehow I don't find it that repulsive.

New paragraph just to help the eyes. He sort of professed his love for me...and Tasha...today, and I told him that dating probably wasn't an option in a completely nice way. I really hope that didn't destroy whatever friendship we had going. I picked up some extra hours today and ended up working with Corey and Brian. Haven't seen them in a long time and I love those guys too. Don't know Brian as well as Corey, but I can see myself getting along with him. Growing more attached to Matt each time I see him too...and Tasha's really cool, and my age. Hung out with her and Nick the other night. Basically my work and social life with those people is kicking everyone else's ass, well, excluding Anthony and Kevin, they're around, because no one else fucking calls to do anything. And I'm pretty sick of doing it. Like Zach, I don't even know what's going on there. He was one person one day, a new person the other night, shocking but not bad, and now he was really weird earlier tonight. It's actually frustrating me, why I care, I'm not sure, but I do.

On to Mike Zenz. I hadn't talked to him in probably 6 months, but tonight I started up a conversation. Glad I did it, I enjoyed hanging out with him too. At the end of the conversation it was kind of agreed we'd hang out sometime...but, I won't get my hopes up, it might not ever happen. I might as well attempt to visit Tom at the same time since those two get along, but christ, that might be mission impossible.

Enough of this. Leave a comment if you so desire.

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 17:32:35 GMT

Got back from orientation on Tuesday. I was happy with everything college related. The only thing that would've made it better would've been finding a person there that I would actually befriend when I go back, but most of the group I was with was mentally challenged. The girl I roomed with couldn't tell time or lock the door...this wasn't a challenging procedure. It wasn't a bad fitting key or a tricky twist and handle shake to get in. This was from the inside...all she had to do was turn the bolt thing...but after staring and trying to get it, she walked away and told me to try, she couldn't figure it out. I got along with my parents while I was there for the most part, too. The only thing that went wrong was my mom losing her shit and blaming me and my dad for it. And when we found it in her bag when she was too busy yelling that one of us had obviously taken it because she hadn't touched it, we made a pretty good point of her being disorganized and dramatic.

All of this is still uncertain, it's new information, but my mom heard from the police reporting on the burglary case and apparently they caught two of the guys in Oshkosh trying to rob another store earlier this morning or last night. It won't do any good because I really doubt she'll get anything in return...but I guess they were able to track some of her jewelry, somehow I don't know, and it went from here to Chicago to L.A. and it's already out of the country. The tire tracks and one of the shoe prints matched the ones found at the store. This sounds all C.S.I., but it really was. There was crime scene tape up when it happened and no one was allowed in the store and all that. Anyway, they're Mexicans who aren't saying a word, sounds like they can't. I'm not racist by any means, but the one ethnic group that I typically find myself having anything aginst are Mexicans, it's just always worked out that I see not good things associated with them, this doesn't help. These two are pretty hardcore criminals with at least four alias names each and long records, one has three bullet hole wounds in his chest. Anyway, that's that.

I'm going to Washington Island with Kayla in a couple hours...haven't been there yet, I'm pretty excited. We always find pretty extreme stuff to do. I'll be back Sunday and then I'll go work...something I haven't done in about two weeks now. I talked to Juan though, and he didn't seem to have a reason why he only gave me five freaking hours this week, but he was fairly apologetic and told me I'd have plenty next week. He'll probably keep his word, we shall see.

By the way, I hope you like me new little picture, I happen to love it.

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 05:07:30 GMT

Hey everyone. I thought it was about time for me to update. I've been having a really decent summer. Not that I could tell you specific details about any of it, it hasn't been that outstanding, but just in general it hasn't been boring. However, I do remember finding out I could text on our phone...that was cool. I'm finding people to do stuff with on a daily basis, and doing a good job of rotating the croud to prevent boredom. I'm actually really surprised that I'm still doing fine. I say this because...things around me have been shitty.

This will be the paragraph of shit, skip ahead if you don't give a damn. You've already heard this from Heather's journal if you read that...or watch the news...but our grandparents and our family's jewelry stores were both robbed. That's a lot of fucking money gone. It's just...gone. I've been trying to be a good kid, but there's nothing I can do. I can't catch the guys, can't replace the jewelry, all I could do was spend part of a day cleaning up all the shattered glass. Next, a friend of the family is going off to war. I hate the concept of it, but it's been years since I've actually been friends with him, so I feel bad, but I can't consider myself attached. And, my grandma's getting worse. To the point where the family's supposed to be spending the fourth with her...yet none of us know about the cancer. We're all supposed to be playing stupid. But, I think I'll have to work the fourth anyway. And I'm not upset about it. I don't want to be around that. I owe my grandparents a lot, they gave a nice chunk of change toward my college fund even though they aren't ever around to see us. Handing out money like that is really nice of them, but playing stupid and acting friendly isn't the way I want to show I'm greatful. Anyway...

Thank you to everyone that reads this and came to the grad party. It was quite the time, a lot better than anticipated. I still need to go get thank you cards.

I leave for orientation Sunday. Get back Tuesday I think. I'm kind of looking forward to it. They make you spend a night in the dorms...I think it's kind of weird, but whatever. I haven't even been on the campus yet so it certainly won't hurt anything.

But yea, I'm good. Friends are good. Time for Kyle and Kayla to come home, I miss them, but other than that...all's good with everyone. Job's good. Perfectly content. But now I've updated, so I can go on with summer....which has been relatively computer free. Tonight's the first night I've talked online for more than five minutes maybe since the start of summer. But I'm getting tired, I'll be sleeping soon.

Thu, 26 May 2005 01:47:33 GMT

I think I can relax. I talked to Kyle almost all of eighth hour today...the second before things really just died forever, and I'm pretty sure things are gonna take a turn towards better. I hope the chaos with Ashley and Heather gets resolved tonight, too. It would really suck if everything crumbles this close to the end of the year. Now that my life seems to have an important part of it back in check...I can go back to being the happier person that I've been this year. I can't remember specific great events happening this year, it's one big blur, but it hasn't been bad. Right now I'm finding good people at work and I think a friendship is forming between me and Nick, even though he's...different...he's been nothing but wonderful to me the past couple days of my crappiness. Brian said I could've come to a party when I didn't think he paid much attention to me, but the acceptance alone is nice. The store switch has worked out after all. I'm making money, trying my hardest to get my grades up, setting myself up for a decent summer, whatever...I'm doing much better after today. Hopefully I can get rid of the dark circles under my eyes tonight.

Sun, 22 May 2005 05:02:17 GMT

The past couple days have been better than the last time I wrote in here. Still not happy about that topic, but other good things have happened. Last night I screwed Corey over after he came and visited me for about 2 hours Thursday night just to be nice so I would close for him...but I didn't. I went and had a decent time of my own, and besides for ruining his night, I'm glad I did it. Nick visted me that Thursday night, too. I was in a really crappy mood and the the two of them managed to make things more amusing, kept my mind off of shit. Good guys. Being the wonderful person I am, I kept my word and worked for Cor Cor tonight instead. I'm taking a couple of his hours tomorrow, too, so I think we're all good. It was the slowest I have ever seen it. Being bored out of my mind, I decided to do some math. 7 dollars/hour times 4.3 hours. I sold four people food, totalling $36.81. Pat Buckley made $6.71 tonight, and that's before he pays the electrical bill. Besides for boredom tonight, I'm pretty content with my job. Good people, easy work for the most part. My brain is used to doing nothing for the past four hours, so I don't have anything more to say right now.

Wed, 18 May 2005 00:34:41 GMT

I hate life right now. I would rather feel nothing at all than be in such a depressed mood. Despite how consoling everyone thinks they're being by telling me I'm not fat, I am, or I'm getting there because I tried on my homecoming dress from back in the day and guess what?! It doesn't fit. Who called that. So, there's proof, I'm fucking fat and ugly and I have shitty skin to top it off. I made another dermatologist appointment and I'm gonna let the lady have it. She needs to put me on some meds that'll do their damn job and not waste my money. Pretty sure every drug has side effects, big deal. And, if no one will come near me with bad skin, pretty sure I don't have to worry about not having kids...because from what I know that's pretty hard to do by myself! I'm worked up. Unhappy, etc. I talked to Kyle for a little while today, and I'm glad I did because I haven't in forever, but ever since I've been really, really shitty. Advice for you all, pick a best friend that has/makes time for you. Given I don't know when the grad party will be exactly, he told me he couldn't be there because he'll be gone all summer. So, best friend won't be at a party that I really wanted the people I'm closest to to be at. Absence of the best friend has the potential to ruin that event. And, he won't be around all summer, because he's always busy with camps and whatever else he does. Then he'll come home from something, have to spend every waking moment with Ashley because she'll obviously be the only one that's missed him. Not like I've been missing him this entire year. But, then he'll leave again, and forget I ever existed. It's gonna happen. This might seem like I'm extremely angry, but I'm bawling my eyes out so take a different look at it. I'm supposed to leave for college and then miss friends, not have to feel alone beforehand. But on the plus side according to him, the farthest he'll be away after he graduates and goes to college will be two hours to Eau Claire...but considering I won't have a car, make that ten, since I'll have to walk. And with the way it sounds right now all my junior friends will or want to go to Eau Claire, so he might just go where other people are going since he's been looking into it anyway. I didn't plan on having any friends come to the same college, but I didn't plan on being like old people who graduated and made no effort to keep the good friends they had back home. Seriously, what are the chances that Kyle in particular, since he's the one I'm so upset about right now, will go out of his way to see or even remember me when he'll have his girlfriend, and other friends, and even the other twin right there. Even though he says comments in a joking manner, I think he's actually disappointed that he's heard so much of me and Kayla hanging out, and even that makes me feel bad because I'd give anything to be around him as much as I used to be, but the fact is that we haven't hung out just the two of us this entire year, and even with a group...I can probably count those times on my hand. I'm getting used to just calling him my best friend, but having no real evidence of it being true and feeling empty about our friendship, even though there's been so many unforgettable times. Regarding Kayla, I'm not replacing him at all, because he's irreplacable...but I'm happy that we're friends, and I need to be around someone so I'm not thinking about how it feels like I don't have a best friend except for when the occasional moments in school arise where we'll talk and joke around in the band room for a whopping five minutes. I really need a hug...it'd be nice for it to come from him, but it won't happen because he won't even realize or understand the degree of how much I've been missing him for the past eternity. I can't stand it anymore. I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight, maybe stay in a bad mood the rest of the week. I hate being so fucking emotional. Maybe if I showed some emotion in regular amounts I wouldn't break down like this.